Thursday, August 28, 2014

Honey...

She blessed us in every way. There really was nothing she could do to make us mad....not the carpet stains...the sleepless nights....her being filled us with smiles and delight. Tiny yet fierce, she was quick to take on a Lab twenty times her size..yet unable to even defend herself in reality. If she was over a pound I would be surprised..her fur weighed as much as her..but her eyes beckoned us to let her up...love her with our whole heart...change our schedule to make sure she was well. You never realize this will happen. The affect of something so adorable..so wonderful. They fill you with smiles with not much in return. I declared no more animals with the hope of avoiding grief and yet as I see her picture shrine I realize how much this love has given to me...much more than it has taken..Grief is apparent and yet the love in return is overflowing. We love you Honey..thank you for the years of smiles, hugs and delight. mum

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The thing he most wants he pushes away...annoys...derides. Perhaps he does not realize this. Forty plus years has not wizened his soul...if he has one. He confounds me...Seeking my attention and then spurning me. Asking my opinion in a ruse to elicit my camaraderie. Such is my family..a place we avoid the uncomfortable for the unliveable... I am a sensitive soul. Not a fragile, timid, nor tepid soul. I feel things on a physical and emotional level. The icy stare and the icy roads are obvious to me. Manipulation and lies try to weave me in their grip and yet I am adept at vaseline to free me from the insidious bonds. My childhood was controlled by people I often could not trust or respect..

weeds

I am a reluctant gardener.I don't mind dirt under my nails or sweat on my brow. I almost always love the results of toiling in the loam...I could attribute my hesitation to confidence...but in a world of youtube and google, you can pretty much find out how to prune, split or tend just about anything. I think it is weeds. Weeds discourage me. They are a reminder of my neglect...they are insidious, insipid intruders.

Being

I understand I am not a threat to other women, nor do I want to be....I am mostly comfortable with my looks... fluffing and tweaking sometimes necessary. In the midst of family turbulence, rivalries and insecurities I was appreciative for my quotidian appearance. Gratitude was new to me..I have oft wondered what it would be like to turn heads, yet I see the demise of having the ego deflate as the skin sags and beauty wanes. The change in stature and status could render one useless...and seems to have in a few of my family members... A final reckoning of the shell that houses the mind that reflects who I am knows beyond a shadow of a doubt if I could change a thing it would not be my physique... Finally!!!! It took long enough to get over that one.

Blackberries

As I was picking blackberries this morning epiphanies emerged. Berries don't need sunlight to ripen...they just need to be connected to the vine. They ripen at their own pace...some blooming while others are drying. How much this is an example of humans. Some, food for vultures and crows, others nourish bunnies...and some are never used as the intention, but dry and spread seeds for more fruit. I have likened myself to one of the hidden fruits, most likely with late bloomers and green, unripe berries. We are shielded from the sun, yet perfect in texture and taste. We also take more work to find...
Everything is not how it appears. Instagram showcases events framed in two by two... A typical day is work, walk, some TV or reading and bed....yet from followers of mine the impression is that my life is full of curvy rides and beaches, parties and hugs. If I were to Instagram life as it really is - I would have no followers...I capture those moments that are rare...fleeting and unique as a reminder of the reason I need to get out there more. I would more than likely curl up and settle in than to be in the midst of din. But when I risk it...when I get out there - I am often rewarded.