Thursday, August 28, 2014

Honey...

She blessed us in every way. There really was nothing she could do to make us mad....not the carpet stains...the sleepless nights....her being filled us with smiles and delight. Tiny yet fierce, she was quick to take on a Lab twenty times her size..yet unable to even defend herself in reality. If she was over a pound I would be surprised..her fur weighed as much as her..but her eyes beckoned us to let her up...love her with our whole heart...change our schedule to make sure she was well. You never realize this will happen. The affect of something so adorable..so wonderful. They fill you with smiles with not much in return. I declared no more animals with the hope of avoiding grief and yet as I see her picture shrine I realize how much this love has given to me...much more than it has taken..Grief is apparent and yet the love in return is overflowing. We love you Honey..thank you for the years of smiles, hugs and delight. mum

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The thing he most wants he pushes away...annoys...derides. Perhaps he does not realize this. Forty plus years has not wizened his soul...if he has one. He confounds me...Seeking my attention and then spurning me. Asking my opinion in a ruse to elicit my camaraderie. Such is my family..a place we avoid the uncomfortable for the unliveable... I am a sensitive soul. Not a fragile, timid, nor tepid soul. I feel things on a physical and emotional level. The icy stare and the icy roads are obvious to me. Manipulation and lies try to weave me in their grip and yet I am adept at vaseline to free me from the insidious bonds. My childhood was controlled by people I often could not trust or respect..

weeds

I am a reluctant gardener.I don't mind dirt under my nails or sweat on my brow. I almost always love the results of toiling in the loam...I could attribute my hesitation to confidence...but in a world of youtube and google, you can pretty much find out how to prune, split or tend just about anything. I think it is weeds. Weeds discourage me. They are a reminder of my neglect...they are insidious, insipid intruders.

Being

I understand I am not a threat to other women, nor do I want to be....I am mostly comfortable with my looks... fluffing and tweaking sometimes necessary. In the midst of family turbulence, rivalries and insecurities I was appreciative for my quotidian appearance. Gratitude was new to me..I have oft wondered what it would be like to turn heads, yet I see the demise of having the ego deflate as the skin sags and beauty wanes. The change in stature and status could render one useless...and seems to have in a few of my family members... A final reckoning of the shell that houses the mind that reflects who I am knows beyond a shadow of a doubt if I could change a thing it would not be my physique... Finally!!!! It took long enough to get over that one.

Blackberries

As I was picking blackberries this morning epiphanies emerged. Berries don't need sunlight to ripen...they just need to be connected to the vine. They ripen at their own pace...some blooming while others are drying. How much this is an example of humans. Some, food for vultures and crows, others nourish bunnies...and some are never used as the intention, but dry and spread seeds for more fruit. I have likened myself to one of the hidden fruits, most likely with late bloomers and green, unripe berries. We are shielded from the sun, yet perfect in texture and taste. We also take more work to find...
Everything is not how it appears. Instagram showcases events framed in two by two... A typical day is work, walk, some TV or reading and bed....yet from followers of mine the impression is that my life is full of curvy rides and beaches, parties and hugs. If I were to Instagram life as it really is - I would have no followers...I capture those moments that are rare...fleeting and unique as a reminder of the reason I need to get out there more. I would more than likely curl up and settle in than to be in the midst of din. But when I risk it...when I get out there - I am often rewarded.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

I have a blister between my toes right now. It is really sore and has rendered me useless...really...useless...I feel like whining. My feet hurt in every position, including resting in my sheepskin slippers. It occurs to me how such a small thing can affect much. A small irritation becomes the focus of my moments in an otherwise idyllic day....which of course made it the opposite of idyllic. I sit here watching others splash and my feet are burning hot.... I wonder how much I miss by focussing on the pain...

Sunday, July 13, 2014

It's hard to describe what you miss about someone's presence. The little interactions..the brush of your foot down a calf or the intertwining of legs in bed. Is it the share of the physical load - getting up for the dogs or the phone?
Some days are hard. The days where being a parent should not take priority... I completely love being a mom. love my kids, love everything about family...but when you arrive home dog-tired and find your house is party-central to a group of twenty-somethings...that is hard for me...especially because we have just ridden from Harrison Lake - after kayaking and biking in the OVEN.... Will I look lame if I just want to watch a show on the sunniest of evenings with the most amazing red sky sunset....grrrrr...caught...and yet...this...and these times are when I want to cocoon. I was able to Skype with Melbourne baby....yep...that's her handle right now...because in my mind they won't be adults until they have a child for themselves... It was nice to chat and feel a part of her life...and her plans..She is here in November and wants time alone...What momma bear on earth would not think that was the greatest thing??? But given that I was exhausted...who knows if I conveyed that?? And that's another thing...I love my kids more than anything on earth...my man too...they are all unique...and more than amazing...yet...do I convey that?? Does Kimee know that 2:53 never escapes me...the day I became a mommma??? Does Jared know he makes me smile just to think of him? Does Samee have embedded that she is wonderful beyond words to me? And Mikee....I hesitate when I think of what we have been through...does she realize she is the laughter of pain? I am sure they get this...but ...if i were to pass today...this would be what I would leave them with... They are all amazing...unique....fantastic...did I say amazing yet?? people that I am so very, very proud to have issued (such an archaic saying)...to the world...and the world is better for each of you... Thank you!!

Friday, May 23, 2014

Rhododendron and azaleas decorate my garden with pink, red and purple tufts. Impatiens are poking little heads of colour through as well. Yet as much as I want to take credit for the dazzling display, it is the nature of these plants to bloom..sometimes with lots of care, sometimes in spite of it. The colours awaken something within me....a beauty that dazzles me. Soon the peonies will unfurl against the backdrop of hosta. The majesty of the garden is amazing to behold.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I have never thought of myself as a gardener. I garden out of necessity much like a I drive to get somewhere. I do not wear the moniker of friends like Sherry or Krista. Yet tonight as I am clearing weeds and admiring buds I recognize that part of me is also blooming..or budding. The satisfaction at eradicating the unwanted has cleared a space for thought. Hosta or Bleeding Heart might thrive here...The thirst for research awakes. I now consider that although I have not donned a gardening hat, I might be coming out..and the blooms and buds are thanking me for their care.