Saturday, November 23, 2013
I am intrigued by people's reactions...whether it be to a loss or win, bad or good news, pain, discomfort or their idyllic partaking. Reactions vary from outward cursing, graceful congratulations, to enraptured enjoyment. To claim I understand humanity based on reactions would be ridiculous...but my observation and introspection shed light on my own response to a recent heart-stopping toe stub. The pain intense, my heart beat faster and harder, tears welled...and yet nothing escaped my mouth. No yelp, no cry, no curse. I calmly sat down. This reflex was the fodder for this post. I have ruminated over it since. I was not embarrassed or shamed by my humanity. I was not expecting those around me to ignore nor pander me with sickly sweet sympathy. I did not want to acknowledge any problem. Giving attention might do this. I cannot help but wonder how much of this parallels my life. Do I ignore things just to pretend they don't exist? I am uneasy at the question. In my defence I know that making a spectacle can in itself become a reward for our pain. Evoking sympathy, empathy and attention sometimes fills the void within our souls. I abhor artificial connection...soothing and placating feel like a grater on my skin. Perhaps instead, my own acceptance of the pain is my balm.