Friday, November 23, 2012

Alone

The fire warms my back, perched on the hearth. It is me and the dogs. The sound of tinkling collars and gas flames licks. It is good. This space to breathe and be. For years the moments of quiet were spent planning the next meal, day, pick up, shop, budget, load of laundry. For decades the machines whirred in early mornings and evenings to keep dishes and clothes clean. Now I luxuriate in the freedom to be. Before he left tonight for the gig, I point out our obvious difference. I am content after the Costco trip. I was out, experiencing consumerism on Black Friday, and crossing things off my perpetual list. Even at the till I realized there were things I might need, do want, and didn't remember. Next time. There always is a next time. But tonight was fulfilling enough for me. I had not recognized myself as an introvert until recently. I am never shy to speak my mind. I have opinions that require expression. I love people and to entertain. I am cognizant that only sometimes I have the energy necessary in relationships or activities that involve others. After 25 years of a house of kids the obvious has been revealed to me. I have been stretched to the thinnest of elastic with the noise, the chores, the meals, demands, did I mention noise? I like the quiet. I am at ease in the solitude of nothingness. I love having 4 books part read that keep my mind, spirit or imagination sharp. Bathing in the solitude fortifies me.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Remarkable

I found out today just how unremarkable both he and are. Sitting for the results of blood tests, ultrasounds and x-rays the doctor's comment felt unprovoked. I recognize I have not impressed him with my barrage of talents...but to call us unremarkable! He laughs, as we do, at the medical explanation that unremarkable is something you want to hear. Nothing to fret or worry about...well mostly. The fact that my x-ray called my coccyx unremarkable was concerning because it was removed more than 30 years ago. At this my doctor is confused because it clearly had been observed as unremarkable. Hearing this so many times in one conversation has convinced me that I must learn to impress people more. I had no idea my ego could be wounded by a word misappropriation.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Remembrance Day

Piled tightly into the Jeep we trudge downtown to experience the community of remembrance. Poppy clad chests, pipers, buglers and drums fill Victory Square...assembling to pay homage to the passed but not forgotten. Mom recounted her Dad's stories today - stories of stress, loss, anxiety and pride. He was gone to war 7 years...and yet she remembered his face as though it was only weeks. Such a tie is family. I am back in the Jeep listening to the banter of father and son that sounds more like brothers. "Can too!" "Cannot!" is the extent of their challenge and yet it breaks me up to see them locking horns with each giving way at the same time. Usually, because my husband, his father, has tears running down his cheeks with laughter as he mimics some show or movie. The youngest, the observer, smiles at my glance. I too am at a loss. I can contribute to neither at this moment. A text from snowy Winnipeg confirms that the middle one is also affected today. She is observing on her own as she has moved eastward for independence and school. We can try to understand what freedom means, but until we have experience the lack of it is much like a man understanding childbirth. They know it hurts, but cannot tell you where or why. The silence at 11:11 is consuming and comforting. The sea of humanity before me is a result of the freedom and tyranny of that era. Thank you soldiers....I am sure you had no idea the contribution nor sacrifice you were making.