Wednesday, August 22, 2012

ch ch ch changes...

I knew I was making my job obsolete enabling them to cook, clean and think for themselves. I have no way of warning anyone that it happens in a blink or a heartbeat...everything will change. They are caught in the frenetic transport of children...grimy from popsicles mixed with sand...sunscreen and exhaustion. They are caught in the cajoling to eat a carrot, love your enemy and stand up for yourself coaching... I am now acutely aware of the deafening silence. Understand this is no lament- at least not yet. Our house has been the hub of chaos. Breakfasts laced with garlic potatoes, onion and chives don our island suggesting every day was filled with abundance and laughter. Most were...I will say that... But there were many a day of a cheerio or banana breakfast. The days where morning routines were timed and fluid. Conversation limited to nods and goodbyes. Days of flurry and fury as we made our way to respective places. One year it all changed. Schedules were set aside for illness...and yet I cannot say that laughter was set aside because my memories of that time - though darker than most things - I think of as connection with my family and others that could have never happened. My youngest has the scar of that year and I will always be beholden to her for that. The quiet can be disconcerting to me now. When I awake it is not from a sound within the house but within me. I do not wallow in fear of the future or regret the past. But, I do miss things. Children delighting in coloured sugar water in a plastic case - I always felt so generous with the wide-eyed and wide smiley faces. I miss seeing the delight of accomplishing boiling an egg or buttering toast. I miss seeing their response to life on a daily basis - good, bad and ugly. Judge all you want...some of the most discerning people I know are the ones that were able to express themselves at an early age. I may miss feeling like a hero - whipping up a batch of muffins, pancakes, burritos, chile, sandwiches.....for a motley crew that conglomerate in my kitchen. I will miss the connection to the kids that lets me know that life is not all that it seems to be....kids are transparent. Kids have taught me more about who I am than most...They tell it like it is...not in judgement but in fact. I mostly love this.

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