Talking with a young mom today I was reminded of the endless chatter in my head as I poured heart, soul and body into my little ones. I emerged from those years relatively unscathed...mostly sane. There are days, weeks and maybe even months that will not be drudged up from the mire...they are best left as the percolation for the wisdom that imbue my present persona.
There are some things I am sure of. I am sure that children rarely have any idea how very loved they are. They are still learning pain and they cannot possibly understand the heights or depths we would go for them.
I am sure that kids want to please us, and I am sure that I sometimes might have been ambiguous of my expectations.
I am sure that I didn't put a priority on laughter - and I wished I had.
I am sure that I cared too much about what others thought - and not one of those people is important to me today - I wished they had never dictated my behavior, my mood or my thoughts.
I am sure that I responded far stronger to the negative than the positive - and if I could go back and wire myself different - I would.
I am sure that I stepped on others to rise above - and I am ashamed that I have had to undo this sometimes. I never wanted my kids to see the evil competitiveness can bring - I wish they had seen me accomplish through tenacity.
I am sure that I love my kids more than myself - and this has skewed my expectations for them to do the same for me.
I am sure that I would do it different again - but also sure that being human means it would not be perfect - just different.