Sunday, May 15, 2011

Paying attention

A visit to the doctor indicated that I had a massive infection in my lungs, throat and sinus. I had a sore throat - not enough for panic but a sudden loss of weight had me self-diagnosing and heading to the doctor. His diagnoses was less dramatic - his cure antibiotics, bed rest, corticosteriods. He was amazed I was functioning....and especially not at half-mast but full on work, running, yoga, and life itself.

This morning I awoke realizing how it takes a lot for me to pay attention to what is happening to me. Physically, I suck it up....and I knew that was a reflection of other things in my life.

I am in the habit of ignoring when things are uncomfortable. I am the one that does not mind the smaller piece, the last dregs of coffee...or adapting my taste and leaving out cream in my coffee because everyone else used it up. I am the one that takes in the kids that need a home, forgetting to count the cost of extra driving, adjusting to tastes, emotional ups and downs, and the energy it will take for me. I am the one that plans the family dinners - amidst sickness, stress, health or my own need for rest. I don't notice that I am tired....

I am in the habit of considering what should be done...what ought to be done....not necessarily what I want to do. I am not sure if I even ask what I want to do most of the time...

The cost of not paying attention sneaks up eventually. The realization that emotions are gurgling within is the price I pay.

My stomach has ached and gurgled all week as well. The cure for the infection has become more disruptive than the condition itself. But, science and wisdom assure me that ignoring the infection would be to my demise. I expect the solution there is a parallel in all my life.