Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Without this thought...

....I asked myself how things would change if I refused to be pulled under by fear and worry. Of course logically, I knew that I would feel great not to worry that the kids all returned from the after-wedding celebration safely, or a recent misunderstanding was resolved. I pushed out the negative thoughts that berate me with lots of "should haves" and guilt over parenting, friendships, rifts.

Even with these thoughts I know that I have always tried to be true to who I am. I believe passionately and live that as much as I can. I have been wrong many times, and right many times also. I have been open to change...and I have shifted my stance, my support, my loyalty and my views on further investigation, sometimes. I have often spoken out of ignorance, naivete, fear, ego, jealousy,and spite, as much as I have spoken out of love, understanding, courage, empathy and compassion.

Who would I be without this thought right now, is the question that churned within me, as the anxiety was rising. It was not rhetorical. A reasonable reply would be "calm and relaxed". Suddenly, the absurdity of the dialogue, and its wisdom became apparent. My thoughts were giving me the way to peace, but still needing me to turn the key.

I do not want my thoughts to dictate my life. They are random, fleeting, ever-changing. I can be thinking of the laundry at the same time as viewing the most perfect iris...and somehow the laundry wins my attention. I can remember a slight from 20 years ago, but rarely can recall all the great things that person might have told me.

The question is valid.....without this thought how would things change? I aspire to live in such a way that I would be sure of what I know is true, and let the rest unfold as it goes.

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