Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Without this thought...

....I asked myself how things would change if I refused to be pulled under by fear and worry. Of course logically, I knew that I would feel great not to worry that the kids all returned from the after-wedding celebration safely, or a recent misunderstanding was resolved. I pushed out the negative thoughts that berate me with lots of "should haves" and guilt over parenting, friendships, rifts.

Even with these thoughts I know that I have always tried to be true to who I am. I believe passionately and live that as much as I can. I have been wrong many times, and right many times also. I have been open to change...and I have shifted my stance, my support, my loyalty and my views on further investigation, sometimes. I have often spoken out of ignorance, naivete, fear, ego, jealousy,and spite, as much as I have spoken out of love, understanding, courage, empathy and compassion.

Who would I be without this thought right now, is the question that churned within me, as the anxiety was rising. It was not rhetorical. A reasonable reply would be "calm and relaxed". Suddenly, the absurdity of the dialogue, and its wisdom became apparent. My thoughts were giving me the way to peace, but still needing me to turn the key.

I do not want my thoughts to dictate my life. They are random, fleeting, ever-changing. I can be thinking of the laundry at the same time as viewing the most perfect iris...and somehow the laundry wins my attention. I can remember a slight from 20 years ago, but rarely can recall all the great things that person might have told me.

The question is valid.....without this thought how would things change? I aspire to live in such a way that I would be sure of what I know is true, and let the rest unfold as it goes.

The Effective Ingredient

I am surprised at the effect some people have. Mom did that to me this weekend as she sat with our dogs. I sweep the deck often....but it looks much better when she does it. We bathe the dogs...but now they are well-groomed.

I love a mother's touch. That is what it must be. I think that love and giving change the effect of the world...and this is why even the dog's bowls are now gleaming.

Friday, May 7, 2010

I tackled more ivy today. It was the English ivy in my front yard that has twined it's way around my cedar tree, my rhododendron, my magnolia and has managed to hijack some of the driveway. As I am pulling and following vines I realize how insidious it really is. It has taken over and threatens to choke everything else from the garden. As I liberate the area, I know that this will be an ongoing battle. Beneath the soil is a maze of shoots and rhizomes that will sprout again. I refuse to give in to the feelings of futility I refuse to look beyond today, to lament the work that might be.

Krista saw the potential of this area. She envisioned trailing geraniums, hosta and impatiens. The colour immediately appealed to me. I sometimes need others to show me the vision. I am perfectly capable of carrying out the imagery...I just don't always see the potential in, what I view as, a dark and useless space. When Krista could see colour and beauty, it came alive to me as well.

And so, my arms are aching. My back is sore, but I am euphoric when I look at the cleared area. I can now see what can be there. Isn't that what friends are for?

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I don't think I am obsessive....but perhaps driven. The transformation drew me to keep culling and planting. As weeds were cleared and buds emerged, the work felt more and more worthy. I know some questioned. My son, being 21 could not see the vision I had. He could not understand why I removed all the crushed stone from the walkway....lay down weed barriers, paving stones, and then, began to clean the crushed rock and put it back in the walk. "Why again are you washing the rocks?" he queried ....it is no use to try to answer. He cannot understand the eye for detail I suddenly acquired. The path, now complete, looks great. There are no twigs and errant weeds or leaves. There is no cake of mud.

The satisfaction, I know, will be only be for a season. I will need to be vigilant about that ivy or I am back where I started. I will need to continue to watch over my new Red Maple tree and the many hosta that I planted throughout. Some plants are not taking to the new beds. Some have already shown the signs of being home in my garden. The peonies are budding, as are the asters.

I had no idea that the call to the garden would be for so much delight. Delight and growth. Delight at growth. Seeing the flowers of your labour and knowing that there is harmony and beauty where there was once just plants and weeds.