Wednesday, May 4, 2016
After years of stretching...stretching budgets, meals, clothes and showers the pressure has released. It happened gradually. A pin hole in a large balloon. Off to university, Australia, marriage...off to the great big world of adulting. When moo flew the coop it was a shift as though shape and form were now flaccid and limp. My partner in life, crime and parenting will expand to fill the void. He is recklessly abandoned to fun and frolic..and this will set the new phase we enter. It has been a month short of 29 years of filling bedrooms, cupboards, and lives up. The cacophony was acrimonious at times, but more often it felt like a well-oiled gear, each taking the teeth to move things forward. I smile as I recollect the symphony of getting a meal on the table. It took me to conduct, and others to play their part...but it happened most nights, amidst lessons, play and homework. So now...as the rubber recedes and rests before the onslaught of new life to our family...I will bask in the memories of yesteryear and prepare for grandparenting, which I hear is really fun.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
I had no idea what I was getting into. It was stretching me in every way. I found myself curled up in a ball breathing deep and next I would be balancing or diving deep into breath to hold a pose. Yoga mimics life. We need to be open, stretched and challenged. We need to find our edge and then breathe...I used to avoid savasana thinking it was unnecessary. it was after hearing a teacher talk of the importance of resting that sets our body much like sleep resets us daily. I need the reset....
I saw a dapper old gentleman waiting for an elevator, not having realized it had arrived. He was carrying a plate of food and bags of fruit. I let him go ahead and punched his floor. "Someone's lucky, I see" I said. "I hope she wants it, " he said hesitantly. "She hasn't asked for anything in 8 months she has been here. She was finally requesting food. I am relieved." In that moment I could imagine these past 8 months of worry, fear, hope and disappointment. I could imagine how their relationship might have changed from lover to caregiver..and how just a small scent of hope can lift a spirit. He had a bounce in his step, a smile on his face and a glint in his eye. Those moments that compel you to appreciate what you have are sacred and few. Enjoy now.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
She blessed us in every way. There really was nothing she could do to make us mad....not the carpet stains...the sleepless nights....her being filled us with smiles and delight. Tiny yet fierce, she was quick to take on a Lab twenty times her size..yet unable to even defend herself in reality. If she was over a pound I would be surprised..her fur weighed as much as her..but her eyes beckoned us to let her up...love her with our whole heart...change our schedule to make sure she was well. You never realize this will happen. The affect of something so adorable..so wonderful. They fill you with smiles with not much in return. I declared no more animals with the hope of avoiding grief and yet as I see her picture shrine I realize how much this love has given to me...much more than it has taken..Grief is apparent and yet the love in return is overflowing. We love you Honey..thank you for the years of smiles, hugs and delight. mum
Saturday, August 23, 2014
The thing he most wants he pushes away...annoys...derides. Perhaps he does not realize this. Forty plus years has not wizened his soul...if he has one. He confounds me...Seeking my attention and then spurning me. Asking my opinion in a ruse to elicit my camaraderie. Such is my family..a place we avoid the uncomfortable for the unliveable... I am a sensitive soul. Not a fragile, timid, nor tepid soul. I feel things on a physical and emotional level. The icy stare and the icy roads are obvious to me. Manipulation and lies try to weave me in their grip and yet I am adept at vaseline to free me from the insidious bonds. My childhood was controlled by people I often could not trust or respect..
I am a reluctant gardener.I don't mind dirt under my nails or sweat on my brow. I almost always love the results of toiling in the loam...I could attribute my hesitation to confidence...but in a world of youtube and google, you can pretty much find out how to prune, split or tend just about anything. I think it is weeds. Weeds discourage me. They are a reminder of my neglect...they are insidious, insipid intruders.
I understand I am not a threat to other women, nor do I want to be....I am mostly comfortable with my looks... fluffing and tweaking sometimes necessary. In the midst of family turbulence, rivalries and insecurities I was appreciative for my quotidian appearance. Gratitude was new to me..I have oft wondered what it would be like to turn heads, yet I see the demise of having the ego deflate as the skin sags and beauty wanes. The change in stature and status could render one useless...and seems to have in a few of my family members... A final reckoning of the shell that houses the mind that reflects who I am knows beyond a shadow of a doubt if I could change a thing it would not be my physique... Finally!!!! It took long enough to get over that one.